It's Only Pain.

The majority of things I've learned in life, I learned from running. While that sounds like a strong claim to make about something that is only considered a "sport," like all other sports, I can say that statement is true for me, and maybe me only.

I leave for LDAC in just a few days, and suddenly the anxiety and nervousness has started to kick in. This year passed by so quickly, and like fog in a mirror, it now looks like a blur. It feels like just yesterday when I was telling myself, "Yeah, I only have a year before I leave to LDAC- I've got time." Time is nearly up now, and I have to face a reality once I go and come back: I will be an Army officer next year.

I've been struggling for a long time with my choice to join the Army. I was set on joining the Air Force a while ago, and when things went wrong with that, I thought, "Well, it doesn't matter what branch I join, what matters is that I serve the same country." I've always felt a sense of pride in the security and comfort that the military has always provided. There is something about the act of being selfless that I am drawn to and somewhere in my life, I needed to find something that would make me act that way.

Army ROTC has been an emotional roller-coaster for me. Between making nearly no friends and then losing the few friends I had to all the cut-backs the program is making, I find myself alone, trying to make it through. I'm outnumbered by males and they don't even understand half the struggles I've dealt with and continue to deal with just being a women in the program. Men constantly treating me like a piece of meat, or treating me like I'm helpless and incompetent. The incompetent part is what frustrates me the most; being viewed at as a piece of meat, well, that's something men will do no matter where you are, if you're a woman.

I joined my school's track team in hopes of physically becoming more competent. Army training is all about enduring something; mostly things that suck, mostly pain... but as a soldier, you endure it. What better sport to teach me how to endure things than running?

I've been on my team for two years now. I've gone through so many up's and down's with running. As I mentioned in my last post, the amount of injuries I've had in a year is great enough reason to quit all together and move on to something else. But I couldn't do that. I can't do that.

The injuries are unavoidable. I've pushed my mind and body to limits that I never imagined before. The workouts- what can I say? They're gruesome, time consuming, and most importantly, painful.

Running the last repetition of a 12 x 200m workout. My hamstrings want to give out, and my calves are screaming at me to stop. My mind is fighting a war with my body, commanding it to move faster, move faster because the finish line is only 30 meters away and I have too much damn pride to just stop before the finish line. Too much pride. 

I cross the finish line, finally, knowing that my body just endured something incredible. The desire to quit, without actually quitting. Everything in my body was crying in mercy for me to stop, but my mind wouldn't and couldn't let it. I know better.

I know better than to quit in the last lap of a 1500m race. My first lap, all adrenaline, I feel invincible. The second lap, reality sinks in, "Holy shit! I'm really running this... FAST!" And the third lap, my body is telling me, "We can't take this anymore! QUIT! DIE! DO-SOMETHING!" The bell of the fourth lap rings, and my mind commands precisely at that moment, "400 meters to go! We have to finish this shit, and finish it NOW!"

I turn the last turn, 100 meters left, and there is nothing left in me. I am sprinting my heart out. Every step is heavier and harder, searching for some traction in the ground to help push me through. I'm even praying that a gust of wind will blow along with me as encouragement and hope that I will get through this. But no such wind usually comes along, and the ground below me doesn't change, it is all up to my body now to push me through those last final 100 meters to that finish line.

And I have endured the pain of that fourth lap many times, and each time it gets harder and more painful, but progression shows when I see that my times have gotten better and better. My hard work is paying off.

After all, it's only pain... And then, I can breath again.