The Set-Back

Injury after injury, I am set-back each year in some form or another. It's unexplainable, or at least, it has not been explained to me-- yet. Without fail, I come across at least one dangerous running injury per year. Most times, I don't train much differently, I change my trainers often, I don't increase mileage or speed without transitioning, I eat well, and I weight-train regularly. What have I been doing wrong?

I've bought books, watched YouTube videos, sought help from experienced running associates, and most importantly, I've rested. Still, nothing explains why each year some foreign injury occurs preventing me from reaching my peak goal. Am I simply prone to be injured no matter how I go about this? Is it the awful, grim truth that I will suffer to run, or run and then suffer? I'm sure biomechanics and genetics play a significant role in all of this, but I'm not a sports doctor (good ones are so hard to find) and I'm not a geneticist (not that I think it would explain all that much). But I am a runner. And I cannot live without running.

At first, I am certain it was my running form. It's a huge deal and it does make all the difference, I don't care what any runner out there says. Bad form equals bad injuries, and man, when I first started running, I had the most awful form. My coach tried extensively to train me into a better running form; hurdle drills, hip exercises, walking on the balls of my feet for periods of time-- you name it, I've done it. Of course, nothing worked. But to his avail, it happened one day, naturally. 

I woke up one winter morning-- these were the days when I lived with four other roommates in a large 4-bedroom apartment in uptown Manhattan-- and I went for a run in some new Mizunos that I bought on sale from Amazon.com. They weren't like my traditional trainers at the time, they had less cushion, basically no arch support, no cool colors or designs, nothing more than a simple running sneaker, which made it ten times lighter too. I gave them a try and sure enough, I was at mile 4 not having realized how far I ran or for how long, and how I got there just on the balls of my feet. I was no longer a flat-footed runner, but instead, a mid-foot runner.

Not long after that day, I was putting on the miles quick and with ease it seemed. But also not long after all those miles, my body broke down-- or should I say, my bones. I ended up with a stress fracture to my right foot. Before that injury, I had dealt with some tendinitis in both ankles, and recovered better than ever through physical therapy. But a stress fracture was not the same, there was simply no way of running around it, except to let it heal. It took forever it seemed. The pain went away with rest, but returned whenever I had walked for more than a mile or stood on my feet for too long. I was disappointed in myself, and I blamed myself for putting on so many miles too quickly. I was a novice, but I was eager to gain speed, endurance, and experience. This just wasn't the kind of experience I had in mind.

After two to three depressing months of absolutely no running and finally experiencing no pain, I slowly returned to running, only starting with the elliptical and the treadmill for several weeks. I eased my way back into running, trying to stay clear of my previous poor judgment. At the time, I felt I had learned a valuable lesson about my body, and I felt that the experience (to some extent) was worth having; I learned to listen to my body.

Since then, I run consciously. Yes, I like to run with music but I still zone-in on the inner voices of my body, telling me, "Your lungs are about to explode," or "You're too tired, just stop," or the worst, "You're injured; this will get worse if you don't stop now." I cannot run and ignore that kind of conversation. 

Now, I stop. I listen. But the keener I've been with my body, the more fragile I realize it is. I train for strength, I train to run, but my body sometimes cannot or will not handle it. Is this my mistake? Am I forcing something onto myself that I was no longer meant to do? I have feet, I have legs, I have calves and hamstrings, and knees, all of that is meant for standing, walking-- running! 

It's a war between my mind and body sometimes. I don't know if anyone experiences this or if anyone understands what I'm talking about. But my mind knows I can run, it knows I can reach my goals, as long as the work, will, and dedication are present. On the other hand, my body appears to be breaking down, slowly. 

I'm 25 though! I'm not anywhere near my casket or grave, and I'd be damned if I have to act like that. 

Maybe the set-back is all in my head. Maybe the set-back isn't about the war between my mind and my body, but it's about healing something that goes beyond just running. 

I haven't written or posted anything to this blog in a long time, and now suddenly, while I'm in the midst of recovering from another running injury, I feel compelled to vent these feelings, which I cannot explain what they even are, except to say that they are overwhelming and frustrating. 

Maybe something else is in the process of healing, and it must be healed before I return to running. But how long will that take, and I'm not even sure that I'm aware of what it is. 

For now, I guess I just sit-back and let time do what it's always done best-- heal and move me forward.